Incoherent Explanations

Dearest,

I have learnt kindness in a place not so different from hell. I have turned absurd questions at the back of mind and doused them in alcohol till they made sense. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to write to you in a long time. I’m sorry for the silence. It all still seems unexplainable. Those feelings I’ve already felt, the ones that remain, anger mixed with shame mixed with regret, memories that made me sick. I couldn’t return to you even after I recovered. I couldn’t bear letting you see me tainted.

 I spent a month staring at many lonely stars before sunrise, wishing I was a better person or at least different. Wishing I could be someone who deserved you. After sunset, thinking of how you do not deserve me. I wish I could give you beautiful stories about why I now feel like a complete stranger.

I’ve been away pointlessly for a long time, either on some stupid premise in a place without working wifi or for pointless discipline in a military camp. The Nysc camp (which provides pointless discipline) is a morbidly unhappy place where people very different from angels wore white and rolled in crimson dust. I’m however being a tad bit dramatic as lots of people had positive experiences; however the distasteful environment and my anxiety disorder made it nearly impossible for me to smile while sober. It was the last place I wanted to be surrounded by useless bureaucracy and bullies in uniforms.

I wish there was something to tell you of wonderful people I met or beautiful stories I lived. I must admit I haven’t been the most open minded or brave person (I’m far from brave) but the good news is that I’m transitioning. The past week has helped me understand why a phoenix has to have completely been in ashes to rise again. Sometimes growth is only possible after a complete breakdown. After betrayal, loss and heartbreak, there’s really no deeper hole. After complete mistrust we can then find solace in the smile of strangers, in hanging on to meaningless conversations to feel less lonely.

I’ll still be here attempting to build my beautiful world where I don’t have to care so much and calculate every thought or action. Strangers and friends can strengthen you alike.

A summary of five lessons learnt while I was away

1)      You don’t need closure, some things are never going to happen, some things were never meant to happen, some things never will. Best accept life without attaching sentimental values to every friend or foe. What you see is likely what you get.

2)      “You can’t always get what you want” –T

Wise reply from a malo looking stranger when confronted about his perverse attitude.

Lesson: Life is very accepting; life takes us just as we are. We do not always have to apologize about who we are, whether you are an over calculating optimistic light head or an aging pervert. Be you.

3)      Never ever take alcohol days after your master cleanse diet: you will likely black out and could even get shrewd advances from a mate’s boyfriend (This can only end in agonizing awkwardness).

4)      Nothing is that serious: no idea, no norm is worth dying for. Strangle yourself over ideas and your fellows will walk all over your grave. Do not kill yourself over anyone. Of course they are good people in the world worth dying for, love them instead.

5)      We’re all insecure in our own ways: You already knew that. Good.

Despite the whole drama and lack of drama, I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff, to engage in long meaningless conversations, relax and live a little, say hi to the Abel look alike if you want to. I leave you with wise words

“you can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.”- Tupac Shakur

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